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Sunday, 7 August 2011

Automatic complaint generator: incoherent ranting made easy!

Ever feel the need to complain bitterly about someone or a company/organisation, but didn't have the time or motivation to compose a well thought out letter? Now you don't have to put any thought into it at all!




Some of you have said that I write about old news, in this case, Scott Pakin's automatic complaint generator has been churning out non-specific rants since 1994! Just type in a few details about who you want to complain about, and the generator handles all the rest. Here's an example of it complaining about me:


"After weeks of observation and reflection, I have finally reached the conclusion that Internet Catch Of The Day's principles have sincerely been demonstrated to be coterminous with those of conniving cheapskates. First, the misinformation: Internet Catch Of The Day suggests that its tracts epitomize wholesome family entertainment. Where the heck did it come up with that? Well, I'm sure Internet Catch Of The Day would rather promote a culture of dependency and failure than answer that particular question. I could do without Internet Catch Of The Day's throat-cutting rampages. Then again, that notion has been popular for as long as antidisestablishmentarianism has existed. To believe that Internet Catch Of The Day's selfish, obtrusive camp is a respected civil-rights organization is to deceive ourselves. Note that I need to spend some time considering how best to increase awareness and understanding of our similarities and differences. Of that I am certain because Internet Catch Of The Day's favorite buzzword these days is "crisis". It likes to tell us that we have a crisis on our hands. It then argues that the only reasonable approach to combat this crisis is for it to acquire public acceptance of its prissy views. In my opinion, the real crisis is the dearth of people who understand that Internet Catch Of The Day used to be a major proponent of phallocentrism. Nowadays, it's putting all of its support behind insurrectionism. As they say, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. Let me point out that the reader who has followed me through this lengthy letter will have been able to gather an idea of Internet Catch Of The Day's general character and disposition. Hence, I shall conclude simply by stating that Internet Catch Of The Day's "compromises" should be recognized, but only as a complete fraud."


You can set the number of paragraphs you want it to output as well, so you can have longer letters to send to the editor of your least favourite newspaper, or perhaps to a politician you want to confuse.  Here's another example:


"I am not writing to agree or disagree with Internet Catch Of The Day. What I have to say, however, regards Internet Catch Of The Day's decision to replace love and understanding with immoralism and statism. To organize my discussion, I suggest that we take one step back in the causal chain and pronounce the truth and renounce the lies. Internet Catch Of The Day possesses no significant intellectual skills whatsoever and has no interest in erudition. Heck, it can't even spell or define "erudition", much less achieve it. Internet Catch Of The Day is interpersonally exploitative. That is, it takes advantage of others to achieve its own incomprehensible ends. Why does it do that? Fortunately for us, the key to the answer is obvious: If it were true, as it claims, that it is as innocent as a newborn lamb, then I wouldn't be saying that by offering hatred with a pseudo-intellectual gloss, Internet Catch Of The Day is telegraphing its intentions to rifle, pillage, plunder, and loot. The bottom line is that I have put this letter before you, without any gain to myself, because I care."


Now you put this to good use, and use your new found powers wisely send out complaints to any worthy targets you can think of!


How the generator actually works

Unleash the torrent of babble here

Incoming complaints in 3, 2, 1...

33 comments:

  1. Haha! I got this gem, "The following text regards my complaints of recent days against Internet Catch of the Day and its subtle but harebrained attempts to gag the innocent accused from protesting Marxism-motivated prosecutions. Now I'll never be short of complaints. Thanks!

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  2. Interesting but I prefer too think and write out my complaints myself.

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  3. Hehe this is great! Time saver, must work great with small companies.

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  4. Well well, what do we have here?

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  5. dont put your own name... you may realize you are a shitty person.

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  6. This is a funny contraption, but if I complain I'm complaining about something in particular. The automaton spits out random complaints...

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  7. Is that french? Plus ca change... etc. You are bilingual? :) But yeah, don't put your own name!

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  8. That screenshot from The Simpsons is perfect.

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  9. Apparently, Mr. bin Ladin has bad choice in music and doesn't invest properly. An odd insult choice to be sure.

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  10. GASP, you have uncovered my true power!!!

    NOW I MUST KILL YOU, INTERNET CATCH OF THE DAY! THINE DOOM HATH COME!!

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  11. I have many ideas for this. :D

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  12. bookmarked :D
    btw, if you try to make it complain about itself you get this:

    I am writing this letter to express my concerns about Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator. The main problem with Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator is that it's so much fun to use, it's absolutely addictive. I find that I spend all of my time using it to generate hysterical complaints about people. I know I should be spending my time enabling adversaries to meet each other and establish direct personal bonds that contradict the stereotypes they rely upon to power their rambunctious positions or perhaps subjecting people who complain about the complaint-letter generator's comments to the rigorous scrutiny they warrant, but it's just too exciting being able to enter someone's name into a program and getting back a humorous, randomly generated complaint letter that sounds almost like it was written by a human. What surprises me, though, is that some people are so lazy, uncreative, or insensate as to try to use Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator against itself. Surely, one can find someone or something to complain about, right? Perhaps people who complain about the complaint-letter generator are merely incorrigible slumlords. Another possibility is that they are becoming ever more audacious in their unappeasable hatred of us. In either case, the important point is that Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator is one of greatest sites on the Web—one that is sure to provide hours of fun for the entire family.

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  13. Interesting lol just dont put your name haha

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  14. cool, that will definitely come in handy sometimes xD

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  15. This is awesome, I've got a few companies to try this out on.

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  16. Haha nice one! Definitely got trolled "]

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  17. This is going to be fun to use!

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  18. Relative to my prior writings, this letter evinces an increased stridency in my commination of That Bastard From Bellingham's modes of thought. This is because however varied or profound the explanations underlying our sense of moral values may be, we cannot allow anti-democratic blowhards to pass unnoticed. It is worth noting at the outset that That Bastard From Bellingham claims that it is patriotic to achieve total world domination. Predictably, it cites no hard data for that claim. This is because no such data exist. I've left out many criticisms of That Bastard From Bellingham from this wailing wall of a letter. Nevertheless, I feel that it's a start—a philosophical space where we can plant a new flag symbolizing all that is wrong with That Bastard From Bellingham.

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  19. This is brilliant and I fully intend to use it in the near future.

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  20. hahaha totally epic, cant wait to unlease a 10 page rant!

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  21. Ha this is great, gonna come in useful.

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  22. Dude. That thing is going to change the universe.

    And make it better.

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  23. Haha looks pretty good. It might be old news, but I am just finding out about it. I wonder if I could find a way to make it complain about that for me.

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  24. so funny. helps when your pissed and can't get out anything other than "#$$% %$%$ ^&%U&%^"

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